Haven't written in a while....

Just a thought or two:

Neil A Maxwell once said that "in the subtle interplay of agency and identity...the surrender of the mind is actually a victory." I think there's some real Truth in that. I think if you believe in a philosophical sense that there is a Truth with a capital T out there, and that as a flawed person, you can never come to a knowledge of that Truth alone, then when you can submit your own ideas and misgivings to that Truth to which you've dedicated yourself, then you gain something. You gain a greater sense of dedication, of commitment, of discipline. I think that's what discipleship is all about.

But what's the cost? I think that if we are all too happy to submit our own ideas of what's right and wrong to a higher power, then we can wake up after years and years and suddenly realize that we've never really listened to our own conscience. CS Lewis points out the conflict between modern values vs. new testament values: Christianity values imitation more than originality, discipline more than spontaneity, etc. But in so many other aspects of our lives, particularly professionally, I think we find that the worlds values really are desirable.

And ultimately I think that like anything in life, there exists a delicate balance. It's like the other day when I went skiing. A friend of mine was there with his girlfriend. Not surprisingly, he was a lot better than her, and he didn't really even think twice about ditching her to go ski where he wanted to ski. I, however, spent the morning on the bunny hill teaching my other friend's girlfriend how to ski. I actually had a really good time, but it made me think. At first I thought the guy who ditched his girlfriend was selfish. Not a good thing. I was the nice guy. Then I thought, he just knows what he wants and is doing it, and I felt like a sucker. Giving up what I wanted to do in an attempt to be the nice guy. I think at the end of the day, there's a balance. He's not a jerk, I'm not a sucker. I think you have to walk the line between sacrificing your own wants for other people, but at the same time, acknowledging your own needs and seeking to meet them.

So....what's the point? I guess I sort of feel like I've been living a little too much conformity and not quite enough individuality. A little too much trying to be a nice guy and not quite enough meeting my own needs. Maybe I'm being a little delusional about how nice I really am. What really made me start writing this was thinking about how I want to think more for myself. To listen a little more to my own internal compass instead of letting others, be it my parents, my religious upbringing, my friends, whatever. I just want to follow the dictates of my own conscience for a while.